My Favourite Is Number Seven

1.   Life is a lot like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll…..or you’re taking sh*t from some as*hole.
2.  Ain’t it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.
3.  I’ll change my Facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this.
4.  You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
5.  Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their butt with an IPad.
6.  You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
7.  A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
8.  One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance… so i pushed her over.
9.  I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
10.  My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look hot.. so I got drunk.
11.  A blind man walks into a bar… And a chair… and a table.
12.  Maybe if we all emailed the constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.
13.  Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
14.  You haven’t experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.
15.  After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.